Saying Goodbye to Friends and Family. When You Know It’s Time.

I have gone back and forth about how to title this entry, but for now, this is the best I can do. This past two months I’ve cut the cords with several people in my life for good. It’s not an easy decision and comes with a price (more on that later), but when you’ve given it a lot of thought and have come to the realization that the person or people involved are adding nothing to your life, you do what you feel is right. In truth, it’s the only option that feels right. And it’s not necessarily about added value, it’s about toxicity, codependance, self-confidence and self-actualization. If someone in your life is more about take than give, more about platitudes than action and more about preserving their own self interest, take it for what it is and move on. No matter how hard you try, these people will never, ever become sources of love, support, friendship and loyalty to you. Ever.

So the price paid for making the cut? That depends. I liken it to being a boss and terminating an employee. I’ve been there more times than I choose to recall, but it all followed the same path. I would give the person every opportunity to change, grow or improve. I would counsel, set boundaries and priorities, express my own concerns, feelings and support and hope that a turnabout would take place. If that didn’t happen, even after repeated attempts, I never felt guilty about making the final decision. I knew I had given the person and the process every chance. When its over. It’s over. Don’t look back. No regrets.

And so it is with friends and family. Sometimes there are issues that are simply insurmountable. They mount up over a period of time and you realize that you’re made excuses, you’re overlooked and you’re forgiven behaviors, conversations, thoughtlessness, selfishness, stupidity and defensiveness so often it makes your head spin. And when it’s over, you wonder why you put up with it so long. Don’t look back. Don’t second guess.

And for those friends who embrace MAGA, QAnon, the Republican Party or the false messiah himself, D****d T***p (I will never write his full name again), it’s a clear decision. Zero tolerance. Period. Who they are, what they stand for, and what they believe in will never be compatible with my stand, POV, values or world vision. On that subject, it’s a done deal.

For those friends who you have given hours of compassionate listening skills to, yet you have come to realize are nothing more than self-involved attention seekers sucking the life out of you, let them go. STAT. Codependancy is not an attractive trait, yet there are those who make a lifestyle out of it. I’m no longer one of them. I studied, attended therapy and learned the hard way that those personalities have done the same thing to others — and they’ll find others to replace you once you move on. That’s what they do. They’ve done it their whole lives. You’ll never change them, you’ll never make it better. And all those ideas you keep suggesting to help resolve their problem? Forget about it. They fall on deaf ears. These people thrive on those problems, they don’t want to solve them. Leave them to wallow in their neediness, self-involement and self-induced quagmires. That’s their comfort zone. Don’t make it yours.

So, in summation, as they say, cutting people out of your life is hard. But think of it this way, imagine all the time and energy and emotional resources you’ll gain from letting them go. Think of all the ways you can invest that emotion, kindness and creativity. Think of it!

Trite to say, I know. But we only have one life to live and that’s our own. Better to have a small group of loyal, trusted, supportive allies whose values you share than constantly trying to appease others just to keep them happy. This is when it’s OK to be a little selfish. No one can make you happy, secure, content or confident. Those are skills you must develop throughout your life. Don’t settle. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Don’t doubt yourself. I believe in you…because I believe in me.